My Writings. My Thoughts.
Behind bars
// March 27th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized
Stand back
// August 24th, 2009 // No Comments » // Personal
Noise noise noise,
Constantly assailing my precariously balances senses.
The city never stops, always bustling and bumbling along,
exhibiting itself peacock-like,
showing me all it’s got.
I blame it for my state,
assuring myself that peace will come
in the quiet of the distant unpopulated vastness.
So I go there.
Quietness surrounds me.
It settles on my shoulders,
an un-sound coat caressing and tempting me,
offering me it’s muted security.
But a thought voices itself,
then another, and another,
sparking off more and more,
the soft solo swelling to a trio, then a small chorus,
amplifying exponentially to a stadium of drunken screams.
I can’t see them, touch them – frantically looking around, where are they?
STOP!
But they go on, spinning me around
in their cacophonous vortex,
crushing me deeper inside myself
until I see the epicentre, the point of singularity,
the source.
Me.
The break in noise throws me back,
a silence momentarily white-hot and purifying.
I see then the truth -
they are in me, but they are not me.
They speak in my voice, but they are not my voice.
I am aware for the first time -
a fleeting, conscious moment.
The babble commences again,
but I am strangely calm.
A knowing has flowered in me, small and fragile,
awaiting nurturing.
Let’s try this again, shall we?
// August 17th, 2009 // No Comments » // 52sunsets
I wasn’t very consistent with my 52 Sunsets posts last year. In fact, I was probably the epitome of inconsistency. I’m going to try again this year. Perhaps I’ll actually manage to post all 52 sunsets. Here’s my first one.
In case you don’t know what 52 Sunsets is all about – when I turned 34, I decided that I would catalogue each week until my 35th birthday by taking time out and watching the sunset and reviewing the week. I thought it would be very symbolic, with the sun setting on each week, finishing off a little chapter of my life. I guess some of those chapters didn’t get written. That’s not to say they didn’t get lived though. It was probably that they were too wildly lived that they never got catalogued in the first place.
This week passed was the first week after my 35th birthday. I celebrated it from Saturday until Monday, not that I was too rowdy though. I was quite well behaved, at least in relation to some weekends. I wanted to go into the new year with sobriety and that’s pretty much what I did. I thought that this would allow me to be renewed and reinvigorated and march forth into the future. But that wasn’t to be.
There are times when you just can’t keep up the smile and your strength ebbs away from you, leaving you vulnerable and scared, fearful of the future and your role in it. My thoughts kept replaying old issues, amplifying them on each repeat. Anxiety flooded in, with depression and physical pain close on their heels. It was scary for me to feel so emotionally out of control and it annoyed me that I couldn’t seem to break the cycle.
One of my very dear friends – who has a tendency to always put his finger on the button – suggested that it was time for me to read A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle’s latest book. I had been given a voucher for my birthday, so I went to Exclusive Books and got myself a copy. Synchronicity is a wonderful thing. People and things come into your life at the right moment to help you through a patch or to teach you something about yourself, and this book arriving in my life at this point was clearly an example of synchronicity.
The book is, roughly, about how we need to stop following our egos and simply be the truth that we are, in order to bring about a new earth. I’m about halfway through it, but already I’ve had many ‘aha!’ moments. Already I’ve started being aware of the thoughts in my head as not being me, but rather my ego. The awareness is allowing me to perceive the thoughts as not being the true ‘me’, rather the true me is the awareness itself. It isn’t as simple as flicking a switch, but it’s accelerating my journey on the path from unconsciousness to consciousness. I’m excited about the journey – not for the destination, as that is not the point – but rather for the discovery of self that I’m going through on the way.
I’ll leave you with a beautiful little story from the book about the unwillingness of the human mind to let go of the past:
Two Zen Monks, Tanzan and Ekido were walking along a country road that had become extremely muddy after heavy rains. Near a village they came upon a young woman who was trying to cross the road, but the mud was so deep it would have ruined the silk kimono she was wearing. Tanzan at once picked her up and carried her to the other side.
The monks walked on in silence. Five hours later, as they were approaching the lodging temple, Ekido couldn’t restrain himself any longer. “Why did you carry that girl across the road?” he asked. ” We monks are not supposed to do things like that.”
“I put the girl down hours ago,” said Tanzan. “Are you still carrying her?”
turn around
// August 17th, 2009 // No Comments » // Personal
I have to turn around and leave it all behind me
I have see the truth and let it go.
I need to shake my head and tell myself that road’s no good to travel over any more
I have to turn around and face the life that’s waiting for me
look into the future, start again.
Loosen up that grip and let the bottle slip between my fingers
friend, I won’t be needing you no more.
Turn around, turn around
face your fears cry your tears
but boy you know you’ve got to do it
turn around, oh turn around,
the life you want is waiting there for you.
Come rain or come…rain
// July 12th, 2009 // No Comments » // Personal
A typical winter’s day in Cape Town. Quite remarkable considering all the really unseasonal weather lately. But don’t think I’m going to bore you with talk of the weather. It’s something like that, and perhaps I am using it as an intro to something more, generally the way people start talking about the weather in order to get a conversation started. So I’ll leave it as that and get on with it.
It’s the perfect weather to sit indoors – or maybe more correctly lie indoors – and keep warm and cozy with my kitties and my man. It’s the natural extension of a weekend that was earmarked for exactly that – relaxing and recuperating. But even as I lie here, enjoying letting my mind slow down and my body unwind, I feel a pang of guilt. I should be doing something constructive. Lying around all day won’t help you achieve anything. You’ve only got so many days that you can use to get where you want to be! Get out of bed and sieze it. I won’t though. I won’t, because I’ve seen the value in allowing your body to build up it’s own stamina, allowing it to repair itself for the onslaught of what will undoubtedly be next. The rush of energy and adreneline that triggers when you’re loading every synapse, and to be there requires a clean and ready body.
The mind resting is something I’m trying to figure out. Some things help. Gym is my meditation. For a brief moment in the day I get to focus solely on me and my endeavour to sculpt myself physically, as an outlet to my analytical and semi-obsessive mind. Surfing – a recent discovery – is, as I hoped, turing out to be a similar outlet, but for more than just the body. Salt water cleanses the nasal passages, opening up your senses to the clear, raw air, which in turn cleanses your mind. I could easily become addicted to it. Worse things to be addicted to, I guess.
So I’m going to relish this time today, while the cloud of winters covers our sleepy city and forces us to do the same with warm duvets and blankets. Lean back and enjoy to off time. Look around, smile at life going on around you and be thankful that you can do just that.
Is there actually anything more?
Feathers & Frocks
// May 3rd, 2009 // No Comments » // 52sunsets
Breede River
There are so many beautiful places in this country. This is a part of it that I had almost forgotten about. The Breede River valley has grandiose carved mountains, lush fields of grass and vines and meandering roads that almost lull you into a Zen state. I want to come back here more regularly.
The reason we were passing through this valley was that the Pink Loerie Festival weekend was over. It started (for us) on Thursday night and the vibe was great. There were people everywhere, getting into the spirit and contributing to the economy with their pink rands. Although some of the locals had issues with the colour of the notes, the majority realised that any income during this season and the current climate is welcome, no matter the colour. Certainly most were out on the street during the parade, enjoying the vibrancy that the Festival brings to this sleepy town.
The large group of friends that stayed at the Knysna Backpackers was fantastic – such amazing people and full of laughter and fun. Getting to know them better was a valuable experience and partying with them is of course almost too much fun.
What was interesting for me was realising that us Capetonians can sometimes be quite blasé about the privileges we are afforded in our cosmopolitan city. Hardly anyone in the city bats an eyelid for anything strange or different. In fact, we almost expect it. It adds to the charm of city. The gay society is strong in Cape Town and part of the fibre of the city. No-one would argue that. But we always need to remember that those luxuries aren’t available to everyone yet, regardless of the constitutional rights that are in place for each South African. Sometimes these rights are simply too dangerous to uphold. This is why these festivals are important. No matter how much we think we’ve progressed, we need to be still bring the gay issue to light, to help those that may need that extra bit of help to stand up and say, “This is me!”. For some of us lucky ones, we said these statements for the first time many, many years ago. Many others in less exposed areas of our beautiful coutntry have been to scared to say these words, too scared to admit to their feelings. This festival may have been a turning point for Johnny, or Bob, or Yvette or Xoliswa, where suddenly they didn’t feel alone and afraid anymore. They opened their eyes and saw that it’s ok to just be yourself and love yourself for it. Being a part of that, even if I may not have been aware of it, makes me feel grateful.
Tonight’s gem: “Seek out every possible way to expose your inner light. You never know who may be lost in the darkness.”
A turning point for us
// April 22nd, 2009 // No Comments » // 52sunsets
election day
Today was a very important day. For all of us. Watching the sun set on this day made me realise that I was watching a part of history unfold. The larger cog of the machinations of humanity turned another full circle today. South Africa came together to decide who would be the next leaders of this young democracy. The importance of what was achieved today should not be underestimated. People need to have their say. People need to feel that what they believe is important. It is the drive that each of us has. The drive to make our mark, to say “this is what I feel is right and this is how I feel we should act.” This is the ideal. This is the foundation of democracy.
But the sun still went down today. The clouds were a beautiful yellow-pink shade, blanketing the city in a warnth slightly out of place for this presumably winter’s day. The moon will come out tonight and the stars will flicker like they always do. And tomorrow the sun will rise over the mountains again, as it does every morning. If you extract yourself from the human perspective for a while, you might see a different picture. You might glimpse into a world not dominated by leaders or their followers. A world unrestricted by the timelines we create or by the significance we place on them. A world that wants for nothing. Nothing except balance.
This is the picture that I hope all of us held close to our hearts today and this is the picture that I hope frames the offices of all our leaders whom we entrust with our beliefs. Keep this picture close always, through the rough days of crime and poverty, through the glorious days of celebration and success. If you stare deeply enough, you might see yourself, and maybe, just maybe you’ll understand your part in it all.
Friends, lovers & family
// April 6th, 2009 // No Comments » // 52sunsets
I really do have amazing friends. That realisation has been dawning on me over the past year. They’re all full of love and honesty – two characteristics that I deem most important in friends. Pretty isn’t important, although like most other men, I like a bit of eye candy. That doesn’t make for a lasting or meaningful relationship in and of itself though. It’s the person who is laid back and casual, free and full of laughter that I feel compelled to be around. Complications are SO tiring and boring. In the words of the fabulous diva: “No more drama!”.
My family also amazes me. Spending time with them again this weekend brought it home to me how lucky I am to have them in my life and in my blood. Relaxed and accepting, funny and quirky, loud and raucous, filled with laughter. Over the years there have been many knocks threatening to sweep the floor out from under us, but we find our footing with each other again and grab hold of each other’s hands, laughing about how silly we can sometimes be.
My parents continually amaze me – the perpetual lovers, facing every facet of life together, strong and steadfast in a deep-rooted and unshaking love. They stand so close to each other, they can see the remnants of all the bumps they’ve faced and all the scars they’ve accumulated during the classroom of life. It doesn’t fade their love. Rather, it amplifies it. They are an example to me, showing me what a true partnership, romance and friendship is all about. I want it too. I’m hoping that I’m at the early stages of it – it feels like it could be.
‘Hold them close. If not in your arms then in your heart and mind.’
More than just me
// March 26th, 2009 // No Comments » // Personal
It’s been a long time. Way too long in fact. I keep telling myself that there’s a reason, and I guess in some ways there always is. This time I like to think that it’s because of the new man in my life. The man that is captured in this post’s picture. It’s been almost 4 months now since we met and it’s amazing to see that sometimes, the most wonderful things grow from the strangest beginnings.
I was on the path to putting a schedule into my life. I had my gym routine, my writing regime, and I had my own space with my own time. One and the same, but somehow they always feel like 2 separate and tangible entities. I wasn’t particularly interested in becoming involved with anyone romantically. It was the beginning of December and the seasonally energy had started flowing through the veins of the city, like the shot of caffeine from the first morning cup of coffee. I wanted to play, I wanted to dance. I wanted to be me.
It’s always those moments that catch you off guard. You turn around, and staring into your face is the most beautiful smile and the chocolate eyes that you’re sure would melt in your mouth, although you end up melting into them instead.
‘Play calm’, the usual mantra going around in my head. Don’t get attached, you’ve been hurt more times than you’ve been able to forget. My heart doesn’t listen though, and secretly, when I admit it to myself, I like it that way. Live and learn, good or bad. I don’t care, as long as there’s feeling, I know I’m living and I’m happy.
So now there’s a man in my life and I’m feeling the return of emotion that had ebbed away a long time ago. I had settled – settled for stability instead of risk, comfort instead of nail-biting adventure. I had gone soft, forgetting who I was, rather sculpting my life from a collection of glossy magazines – latest fads, superficial social interactions and one-upmanship. No more. That was never me. The actor in me could play it, but not convincingly enough to fool myself. Can you ever?
Now I’m back. On the journey with no end station, but rather the important parts being a series of twists and turns. The exciting part is that I’ve got a travel-buddy now. Someone to look around at the world in wonder and amazement. Someone to climb the mountains with, run through the forests with, lie down in a quiet field at night and watch the stars with.
And the best part of it all? He loves me more, the more that I am me.
